I have always been a people pleaser and a person who seeks to be recognized by my peers and accepted. This goes back for as long as I can remember even in elementary school. It is not something I’m proud of and in fact is one of the things that I have worked the hardest at hiding.
I think that’s why social media has had been such an allure to me. You can project a life through an image or phrase and wait around while people acknowledge you…while people “like” you. It feeds into my need for acceptance perfectly.
Knowing this about myself, my first instinct is to flee social media which is wise as a first step. If something threatens to cause you to fall into the sin of pride, leave it behind. The struggle I have is that the Lord gave me this desire to teach, to share, and to write. So while the answer to run is a good one, is it the best one?
If God puts something on my heart to share and provides a means (blog, instagram, etc.) to share it, do I? Is playing it safe the right choice if it is at the expense of withholding the gifts I have been given to build up the body of Christ?
Luke 11:33 says, “No one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl. Instead he puts it on it’s stand, so that those who come in may see the light.”
The answer for me is to prayerfully find that place where I can share in a way that points to the source of light. A place where I never put myself on the stand.
Working through it,
Yesterday I sent a message to a few ladies in my inner circle sharing my weakness. The bible says we are to “confess our sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed”. (James 5:16) I did it most certainly for their prayers but also for the accountability that comes with shared admission.
I will be honest with you, this morning I am feeling a bit vulnerable. I have worked a very long time at perfecting my good girl image and to have it tarnished in front of those I admire and hold dear is hard. But to live in darkness with this area of my life is even harder. Knowing that I cannot be used fully by God to bring him the glory he deserves is longer acceptable, living with one foot in the world and one foot longing for eternal life is a very slippery place to live and more often than not I slide onto the side of sin. I am seeking the power not to do that anymore. To move forward totally in the light because it is only there that I will find my true self and my true calling.
I love this quote from Kelly Minter’s bible study – What Love Is – ,
“…don’t ever let the Enemy rob you of your calling. You’re a godly man (woman) and your past does not define you.”
It is such a precious reminder that God keeps no record of our wrongs, so why do we? I think I am going to embroider that and hang it somewhere that I can see it every day.
Determined to live in the Light,
I’m really not sure where I am in my life right now and what it is God has called to do but what I do know is that I am meant to be obedient to Him and to trust in Him and know that He has a perfect plan for my life. So as I sit here watching my 18 month old grandson have his lunch out of a black plastic Halloween bowl from the Dollar Tree I begin documenting my search, for my purpose yes, but more importantly for Him.
We were created to have relationship with our Creator and until we find our true step with Him we will feel a void, we will forever be seeking, wondering, asking, am I there yet? Ironically, if we are asking that question, we have lost step somewhere. It’s not that the relationship is not there but it’s not what He meant it to be. I picture Adam and Eve walking with God in the garden and I want that sweet, sweet place where I know my steps are matching His.
So at 54 years old, I begin this journey of seeking Him, all the while knowing that it is only through His grace and through a heart of faith that I am allowed to do so.
“God saved you by his grace when you believed, and you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God.” Ephesians 2:8.
Humbly seeking Him, Patty